There’s this sickening feeling I get when looking into the past. When remembering specific people and memories that they accompany. The way they made me feel. They way made me see myself. No matter how much time goes by, or how hard you try to travel from these moments, they creep on you. I try to be so sure of who I am, to be confident in who I have become and who I am working on becoming. But these distant memories of irrelevant people still trap me into feeling small. Into feeling worthless. They cloud my perception of who I am and what I am capable of.
Its at times like this where I must try extra hard to remind myself of who I actually am, and the qualities that complete me. I am not who a bitter soul defines me as. I am not the perceptions of an unsatisfied mind. And I am most definitely not the young, insecure, unsure girl I was a year ago when these events traumatised me. I am not the girl who was limited by the expectations of others. I have new expectations in my life, and I am only allowing myself to control them. God forbid I let the work of my mother and father be threatened by egotistic, materialistic, and selfish entities.
I began writing this entry because of a recent event that triggered a flood of memories sent to drown me. Memories filled with feelings so toxic they would physically poison me. Yet convincing myself of my newly found strength, I decided to swim through them. I used to feel small and vulnerable. But I just can’t let myself be that girl anymore. I have goals and ambitions that are too important to be destroyed by insecurity and stupidity.
How dumb is it that the words and actions of other people have such an influence on our self perception? To think that I hate myself because I don’t feel good enough for other people. That is so dumb.
If you have read through this irrelevant ramble, I condemn you. And if you are feeling lost, insecure, small, just like I once was. I am here to tell you that you have the ability to change that. Life is such a precious gift. You must nurture it. Care for it. You must acknowledge that you are capable of growth, and you are worthy of it. We are all experiencing life at different frequencies, at different wave lengths, at different times. Don’t you dare compare your unique gift to someone else’s. You will one day see the world for it’s beauty, and you will one day be able to appreciate your significance in this time, but you must hold on. Promise me that if you cant see your distant future, you will at least stick around to see possibilities of tomorrow.